Photo Album XIX

"It's freezing cold, Henry."
"Here, open your umbrella."
"But this won't keep me warm!"
"It will if you open it indoors."

Wehrmacht Rejects

Name: Wilhelm S.
Reason for discharge: He 'heiled' with his foot. He kept kicking the helmet off his colonel's head.

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Name: Friedrich P.
Reason for discharge: A world-class marksman, he could shoot an apple off anybody's head (see picture). Unfortunately, he couldn't perform in battle, because enemy soldiers did not have apples on their heads.

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Name: Walther K.
Reason for discharge: He was too friendly to be a Nazi. He used to start interrogations with a local joke and magic trick.

Who Built the Pyramids?

Speculation abounds as to how the pyramids came to be. How did the ancients build these monolithic structures? The brunt of the work was undertaken by labourers, many of whom died on site, as evidenced by a mass grave nearby the great pyramid. We know the mass grave dates back to Ancient Egypt, because there is a giant bandage wrapped around it.

Conspiracy theorists suggest the pyramids were intergalatic landing pads for alien spaceships. This arrangement lasted six hundred years until an ET was found smuggling illicit substances — an incident that heralded the decline of Ancient Egypt.

Strangely, pyramids dating back millenia appear in many corners of the globe. Stranger still, we find ourselves on a globe with corners. The Peruvian pyramids are said to predate Egypt's by 100 years. Peruvian emperors prided themselves on owning a complete set of first-run, original pyramids. Legend has it that one emperor was overthown after trading his set for a vintage Tonka truck.

Pyramid Construction - In Pictures

"Look, dear, the pyramids are coming up."
"It must be spring."

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Labourers constructing the first pyramid.

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The first pyramid prototype. This design kept falling over.

Photo Album XVIII

New York, 1902. Driver waits for the newly-formed AAA to jumpstart his frozen vehicle. In those days, this service involved a bull-necked man with a steel-toe boot.

Hark! The Herald Post News Sing

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Graduation Ceremony Today J. Chapple will act as master of ceremonies for an inner city school graduation at 8 p.m. today. The address to the 33 graduates will be given in haste before they leave for the discos and back alleys. Rev. Glenn Blagg will lead the class prayer which will beseech his safe travel home without one of the graduates doing him a mischief. A piano solo will be presented by C. Katz. The class prophecy will be read by Annette Sidebottom, a forecast of 9 years ending in a motel room shootout. Sidebottom will then be joined by Katz for a piano duet. F. Bennis will award the diplomas following the program and the audience will sing the school song with piano accompaniment, a terrace chant in the style of Knees Up Mother Brown. Charges for 'Gallivanting Joyrider' Charges were brought against a “gallivanting joyrider” yesterday, following an alchohol-fueled joyride in Southwark. Attending a wedding reception that afternoon, Ronald Kelp had indulged in “too much toasting”. The No. 47 to Lewisham was later seen driven by Kelp reaching speeds of 90 miles-per-hour. Eye witness reports from within the vehicle described a chaotic scene. One elderly man reached for the stop button, was knocked off his feet, and, from the floor, continued pushing at the air above him. Passenger Francine Dishwater had been discussing the sleeping arrangements of her neighbour’s lodger when the bus suddenly braked, sending her flying

and landing a couple of seats in front. The scandal was resumed with her new seating companion. A young mother with a babe in arms, ostensibly hers, was induced to a vigorous rocking by the turbulence. Thanks were given to the driver as the infant could finally sleep. The incident ended when the elderly man, still floor-bound, used his walking stick to push the stop button. Kelp made a screeching halt, which sent all the passengers tumbling to the front of the bus. Ms. Dishwater said Kelp ordered everybody to exit at the back. One-Legged Man Killed A motorist last night struck and killed B. L. Winkle, a one-legged 54-year-old street vendor. The efficiency of striking and killing, instead of killing and then striking, was unanimously admired by witnesses. Winkle, a father of two with one leg, had one dying wish: to be remembered for something other than his unipedal status. A funeral will take place on Monday for Winkle, a one-legged man. Children with leg-shaped floral arrangements for Winkle, a one-legged man.

Photo Album XVII

An Eskimo's summerhouse.

Special Delivery

"Look, I don't mind the stilts on my grass, but don't call me 'little boy'."

Life and Times of Johnny Slowfolk

Pictured above is one Mrs. Slowfolk and her son, Johnny. Johnny had a rare congenital disease, turning his skin to metal and his shape cylindrical. Their family doctor didn't like his chances.

Doctor: "He'll live, but women will shun him."
Mrs. Slowfolk: "Is there really no hope, doctor?"
Doctor: "When he's old enough, he must mix with other metallic objects. You never know, he may find a sympathetic tin drum. It might be the romance of the century."

Mr. and Mrs. Slowfolk were confused how Johnny could turn out this way. In truth, it all started the day following little Johnny's entry into the world:

Nurse: "There was a mixup in the nursery, but I've brought you back the shiniest one."
Mrs. Slowfolk: "Thank you, nurse."
Mr. Slowfolk: "Cameraman, be sure to capture my good chest."

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Mr. and Mrs. Slowfolk soon understood that little Johnny was not like the other boys. For one thing he was magnetic. When he entered a room, all the jewellery would come flying at him. Like this he made his first million before the age of twelve.

Despite adversity, little Johnny lived to a ripe old age with little signs of rusting. Late in life, he could be found on daytrips with other pensioners.

Pictured: In his last stage of development, Johnny was a train.

*** These symbols denote a dinkus. A dinkus is a child repeatedly kept after school.

Postman of the Year

Next time the postman leaves your gate open, don't grumble. You might just be privy to the workings of a genius mind. Premiering this Friday, Postman of the Year promises to be an innovative blend of scandal and whimsy, and is sure to entertain the intelligentsia and general public alike. With regional competitions culminating in a national "post off", the Postman of the Year is selected by a group of judges, some of whom receive post themselves.

Don't miss Postman of the Year this Friday at 6 pm on BBC Two.

Judge's commentary: His "Good morning, m'duck" has a somber quality reflecting an ernest approach to the mail.

Judge's commentary: We are almost compelled to stand on our toes when he says, "There's duty and tax, mate."

Judge's commentary: His posting technique is derivative of earlier works, but his peering-through-the-window-en-route-to-the-door betrays a hidden sensitivity, no doubt informed by a difficult childhood."

"This is the Exchequer's annual paycheque. Are you his wife?"
"I'll say yes."

Gloria's Modern Life - Or Gloria Goes Electric

Mrs. Gloria Driftwood discusses her experiences with electrical heating

"Until we moved into the home we have now," Gloria Driftwood says, "I thought that one heating system was pretty much like any other. But now, let me tell you, my eyes have been opened. Really, they're all unique, and just as valuable as other appliances. We ought not to discriminate. Actually, I'd like the next president of the United States to have an electric heating system. But I understand, that's a long time coming."

Lighting a cigarette, Mrs. Driftwood gathers her thoughts. "My first winter with an electric heater opened my eyes. That's when I discovered the difference* between only being warm and true comfort... (cont. on next page.)

* Difference. The distinction between one thing and another.

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(... cont. from last page, won't from last page.) "Even our friends say they feel the difference when they walk through the front door. What the front door has to do with it, I don't know. They could just as well walk in the side door, or indeed the back door, and still feel the difference. The room they enter would be warm all the same. But they insist on feeling the difference when they walk in the front door. They're twits."

Candid opinions like Mrs. Driftwood's explain why over a million families all across America, and a few strange men with Tonka truck collections, have chosen electricity to heat their homes.

Margaret: "Did you boil the water with an electric kettle?"
Joseph: "This is ice tea, dear."
Margaret: "I want a divorce."

We Approve This Message - National Electric Institute.

From the Past XVII

"Why is father leaving?"
"It can't be helped, Tom. It's because you smell."

Photo Album XVI

"Good afternoon, sir. Eau de Cologne?"

An Uncommon Affliction

Sleep Harping. Not an affliction of those who blather on in their sleep, but a medical term for sleepwalkers who seek out the nearest stringed instrument to play. One case involved a 46-year-old man, husband to the night-time fingerpicker, who went bald after the nearest stringed instrument she could find was his wiry mane. The night she pulled the last hair from his scalp, she was halfway through April Kisses when the singular thread snapped. Cursing the instrument with a slap upside it, she rolled over and fell back into deep slumber.

From the Past XVI

"Porridge? Porridge? What's porridge ever done for us?"

Photo Album XV

"Oh, that's marvelous! Tell it again!"

"I'm not a pheasant plucker..."

Home Study: Tofu Karato

Don't be bullied! Surprise any who dares assault you!*

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Age, sex, bodily size, and superior strength don't count! In dire circumstances, finish your opponent with complimentary revolver.

One time offer! Pay in full now and Master Karato will come to your house and beat you up.

* Included with course: ancient 'Wang in the box' device that can be whipped out at a moment's notice.

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Pictured (right): Master Leong Wang on the floor. His portly opponent shocked into submission by his signature move: "Dancing Hemorrhoid".

MAIL NO-RISK COUPON TODAY!

Honorable Master Leong Wang of China
119 Clarence Cres., Plymouth, PL1.

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See the World

"Travel is why I joined!... and then bloody customs took my Jack Daniels," says Bob Hammonds, 22, Carlisle.

Join now for bonus Frequent Fighter miles!

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Letters from Our Readers

This is your public platform. If you have anything to say, here's your chance. For every letter published, we pay 10s. 6d. (available for military service).

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ROLE MODELS The constant stream of pin-ups from your magazine is in poor taste. The two most fascinating women I ever met could have been stand-ins for Laurel and Hardy! Women are more than statistics, thank goodness. That said, there are situations where the last thing you need is a good laugh. — K.M., Hatfield, Herts. MY SON, THE SOLDIER As a soldier, I was saddened when home on leave to attend the funeral of an army friend. His parents were obstinately proud, and his father was heard to say to the open casket: "When are you going back?" — M. Barnstaple, Surrey. REEL FANS As a subscriber of Social Media Hits, I naturally read your reel summaries. That is, I read them naturally. I tried reading them unnaturally: underwater, upside-down, while flatulating the national anthem, but this wouldn't

do. The bath salts stung my eyes. Although not a keen Instant Karma fan, my appetite was whetted by your precis of "Angry Baby Dropped 80ft to Its Death". Many thanks for not letting my wife and I miss an excellent reel. — J.L., London, W3. BRAVO What a delightful thought by the Government, allowing the sale of stamps in brothels. The hubby will have a perfectly legitimate excuse for his weekly excursion. "Just popping out for a stamp, dear!" — S.J., Plymouth.