Browhair's Rise and Fall

Browhair was one of six brothers. At the age of ten he and his siblings formed Northern England's first six-person quartet. It was grueling work, but he was fortunate not to be the designated castrato. His younger brother Sid was, and even today if Sid talks outdoors, a pack of dogs comes charging at him. His father, a construction worker, was one of seventy-two people who fell when building a skyscraper hotel. He died from his injuries and never did work again. Later, at age eleven or twelve (eleven is preferred by pre-metric scholars), the young Browhair found employment as a bellboy at the same hotel. He intended on working his way to the top—improving on his father's legacy by six floors. His weekly salary never exceeded £1/8/3d (it leaps off the screen).

His conversion to Unitarianism, and then to populism, socialism, communism, and finally surrealism, came more from a roving bent than bitterness over the job. He was treated well by his bosses, although they strongly objected to his artistic leanings. He would carry hotel guests' bags to the refuse chute and deposit litter bins in their rooms. Pillows were left under boxes of chocolate mints. One morning a guest tipped him with a thruppenny bit—he promptly made an offer of marriage to the coin. When the coin gave no response, he became enraged. His bosses eventually let him go, on the grounds that his work was not only inappropriate for the hotel, but derivative.

Whatever Browhair's career aspirations were, he was not concerned about financial gain. At the crest of his career, his salary was only sixteen pounds a week. He never owned a car, a house, or land, and regularly donated body hair to transplant clinics. In his latter years, he lived with one of his two sons, who were both mathematics lecturers at different universities. Browhair described them as "little cretins". Ernest, the youngest of the two, only wanted his father's approval. After years of toiling for a higher education, his father relented a little, saying, "Well done, you little cretin." Bertrum, with whom Browhair lived, said that when growing up his father was tough but fair. Making a cup of tea for the frail, aged Browhair, Bertrum teared up, "When they get to this age, you want to give back. I love this old man." Browhair replied: "You're a little cretin."

Fuff and Son

Peter Fuff Jnr was educated at English public schools and finally at Oxford, which put a great finanancial strain on his family. Fuff Snr had to work evenings to pay off the boy's student union tab. Following in his ancestors' footsteps, Fuff joined the Royal Air Force at twenty one. He had first tried the Smith's at nineteen, but they weren't home.

Fuff Snr was proud. Not of his son, but his vintage coin collection, which he kept in a box in the shed. Fuff Jnr could only have been an air force pilot. Some years ago, his father had sat him down, stood him up again for dramatic effect, and said: "Son, I was a pilot. Your grandfather was a pilot, and his father too. You'll be a pilot. It's been my dream for you since you were born. On that day, I stood by your mother's feet with marshalling bats and waved you out. Now go and get an education, and if you pass your exams, you can have one of my coins." When Fuff Jnr graduated, he went to his father, extended his hand, and said, "Well?" Fuff Snr played the fool and only shook his son's hand. No coin was forthcoming. Fuff Jnr never forgave him.

Fuff Jnr's first mission ended in disaster when he was shot down over the ocean. It was a rough descent as he'd been up stretching his legs in the fuselage, brazenly ignoring the flashing seatbelt light. Fuff Jnr survived the crash and was fished out the ocean by a British rescue team. Back home, he had to have a toe amputated, but this was only for cosmetic reasons. Like some people have a third nipple, Fuff Jnr had had an extra toe. Now it was gone, he could take his shirt off at the beach. Fuff Jnr was a prodigal son returned home. A local newspaper asked Fuff Snr to comment on his son's bravery, to which he offered: "It means he's gallant, courageous."

This Is Romance

He: So, this is hello.
She: When will we leave each other again?
He: We'll always have the ride over, in separate vehicles.
She: I'll never forget it. When we're married, promise you'll write.
He: Every day. Darling, I must be staying. Keep a candle burning in the window while I'm here.
She: My love! Leave me, leave me like you've never left me before!

Reginald's Sorrows

I am ill-equipped to live in this world. My crops don't grow. My body is in decline. I put on odd socks today.

Last week, friends celebrated in my honour. Intending to rally my spirits, they each proposed a toast. The repeated standing and sitting gave me a hernia.

I'd end it all, but my musket is front heavy and I'd only miss.

Reginald, missing.

Unknown Artist II

Unknown Photographer
Date: 1926
Subject: Pioneers of "bed head" management. Mother and child cover up, Father is proud.
Private collection

A Desert Princess

Somewhere in the Sahara, a desert princess waits for the No. 13 to Finchley.

Unknown Artist I

Unknown artist
Date: 1943
Medium: Marble
Aviation officer injured after wearing stilts in his helicopter.
Gift of Mrs. P. G. Marsh

Team Building

"Henry is a born leader, but I don't care for his kazoo."

A Word About the USA's Public Health Service

The American Public Health Service was established in 1798 to provide medical treatment for injured seamen. The beginning of the service marked the end of the 'pegleg' era of seafarers, a fact much lamented by traditionalists who valued scurvy for its old-world appeal. Some years later, young seamen, favouring the vintage look, would dip their toes in mercury to induce gangrene.

Since 1889, Public Health commissions have been granted by the President, approved by the Senate, and socially shunned by the Cabinet*. Indeed, such commissions may be ostracised for wearing their hair too long. Ranks go from assistant surgeon to surgeon general (except on Sundays), and are much like the Navy's lieutenant and rear admiral (see plate II: Haddock in breadcrumbs with mixed leaves).

* Cabinet. Not to be confused with the United Kingdom's Privy Council, a group of advisors for the Monarch's outdoor toilet.

Manly's Trail

In 1849, American pioneers William Manly and John Rogers brought aid to their starving companions in Death Valley. Their assistance was priceless: upon arrival Rogers was the first to point out to an emaciated comrade, "Your shoe's untied, mate." One of the most serious obstacles they encountered was a precipitous waterfall—the worst kind. Faced with insurmountable peril, Manly lamented, "That wasn't there when we last visited." Rogers replied, "Let's ask for directions." At this Manly wept. Later, thanks to the sure-footedness of a packmule, the duo overcame the deadly terrain and saved the lives of their companions. In his autobiographical notes, Manly stated that the waterfall was a natural metaphor for getting his feet wet. Literary historians mostly agree that Manly did not know what a metaphor was.

Photo Album IV

Animal rights activists were up in arms in the early days of demolition.

A Brief Look at JFK

JFK became president of the United States of America in 1960. He called on the nations of the world to fight poverty, hunger, and disease. With this, underpaid translators sent European countries off to fight Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Kennedy was a vehement anti-Communist. One morning while signing letters he suffered a papercut and, deeply ashamed that his blood was red, locked himself in the Oval Office bathroom for two days.

Before his presidency, Kennedy served in the US Navy for four years, commanding torpedo boats in the Pacific and also some of the men in the boats. He received the Purple Heart and several other decorations—but later confided that the party favors were a bit much.

It was at the height of the Cold War when Kennedy became president. On his watch came the crisis in Cuba which, contrary to common opinion, was not about the USA's reduced commericial interest in cigars.

The Tennis Court Oath

June 20th, 1789. The National Assembly gathered at the Palace of Versailles. This group included the clergy, nobility, common people, and representatives of uncommon people (a bearded lady, Siamese twins, etc.). They found King Louis XVI to have been preceded by too many Louises. Later, they convened in a tennis court for strawberries and cream, and, in high spirits, all vowed to create a French constitution. Celebrations continued into the night. Copious alcohol was consumed. When a drinking glass was abandoned in the court, a young boy would race across the floor, pick up the glass, and continue running to the other side. Like this, the festivities continued, with the common people losing 40-love.

Lenin's on Sale Again

October 25th, 1917. Bolshevik forces laid siege to Winter Palace, finally gaining entrance to the grounds in the early morning by posing as the milkman. Members of the provisional government were placed under arrest, with one detainee claiming his right to a telegram. The Russian people rallied behind Lenin and Trotsky's party, and then, as a show of appreciation, rallied in front of them.

The First Mint

546 BCE. Gold had already been used as a currency for many years, but the first gold coins were struck in the sixth century BCE, kicked in the fifth century BCE, and mauled beyond recognition in the fourth. As time went on, social customs softened, and nowadays a newly minted coin is only given a withering stare. The first minted gold coins came from King Croesus, of the Lydians (a roaming band of tattooed ladies). King Croesus used his gold currency as a statement of wealth and power. He arranged six million coins into giant letters, spelling: "You're a dirty rascal".