Postman of the Year

Next time the postman leaves your gate open, don't grumble. You might just be privy to the workings of a genius mind. Premiering this Friday, Postman of the Year promises to be an innovative blend of scandal and whimsy, and is sure to entertain the intelligentsia and general public alike. With regional competitions culminating in a national "post off", the Postman of the Year is selected by a group of judges, some of whom receive post themselves.

Don't miss Postman of the Year this Friday at 6 pm on BBC Two.

Judge's commentary: His "Good morning, m'duck" has a somber quality reflecting an ernest approach to the mail.

Judge's commentary: We are almost compelled to stand on our toes when he says, "There's duty and tax, mate."

Judge's commentary: His posting technique is derivative of earlier works, but his peering-through-the-window-en-route-to-the-door betrays a hidden sensitivity, no doubt informed by a difficult childhood."

"This is the Exchequer's annual paycheque. Are you his wife?"
"I'll say yes."

Gloria's Modern Life - Or Gloria Goes Electric

Mrs. Gloria Driftwood discusses her experiences with electrical heating

"Until we moved into the home we have now," Gloria Driftwood says, "I thought that one heating system was pretty much like any other. But now, let me tell you, my eyes have been opened. Really, they're all unique, and just as valuable as other appliances. We ought not to discriminate. Actually, I'd like the next president of the United States to have an electric heating system. But I understand, that's a long time coming."

Lighting a cigarette, Mrs. Driftwood gathers her thoughts. "My first winter with an electric heater opened my eyes. That's when I discovered the difference* between only being warm and true comfort... (cont. on next page.)

* Difference. The distinction between one thing and another.

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(... cont. from last page, won't from last page.) "Even our friends say they feel the difference when they walk through the front door. What the front door has to do with it, I don't know. They could just as well walk in the side door, or indeed the back door, and still feel the difference. The room they enter would be warm all the same. But they insist on feeling the difference when they walk in the front door. They're twits."

Candid opinions like Mrs. Driftwood's explain why over a million families all across America, and a few strange men with Tonka truck collections, have chosen electricity to heat their homes.

Margaret: "Did you boil the water with an electric kettle?"
Joseph: "This is ice tea, dear."
Margaret: "I want a divorce."

We Approve This Message - National Electric Institute.

From the Past XVII

"Why is father leaving?"
"It can't be helped, Tom. It's because you smell."

Photo Album XVI

"Good afternoon, sir. Eau de Cologne?"

An Uncommon Affliction

Sleep Harping. Not an affliction of those who blather on in their sleep, but a medical term for sleepwalkers who seek out the nearest stringed instrument to play. One case involved a 46-year-old man, husband to the night-time fingerpicker, who went bald after the nearest stringed instrument she could find was his wiry mane. The night she pulled the last hair from his scalp, she was halfway through April Kisses when the singular thread snapped. Cursing the instrument with a slap upside it, she rolled over and fell back into deep slumber.

From the Past XVI

"Porridge? Porridge? What's porridge ever done for us?"

Photo Album XV

"Oh, that's marvelous! Tell it again!"

"I'm not a pheasant plucker..."

Home Study: Tofu Karato

Don't be bullied! Surprise any who dares assault you!*

Learn the ancient art of Chinese Tofu Karato!

An authentic self-defence art from Master Leong Wang, bodyguard to JFK.

Learn quickly at home the most effective self-defence system of all time! Barry nextdoor will never fail to return your Workmate again.

Age, sex, bodily size, and superior strength don't count! In dire circumstances, finish your opponent with complimentary revolver.

One time offer! Pay in full now and Master Karato will come to your house and beat you up.

* Included with course: ancient 'Wang in the box' device that can be whipped out at a moment's notice.

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Pictured (right): Master Leong Wang on the floor. His portly opponent shocked into submission by his signature move: "Dancing Hemorrhoid".

MAIL NO-RISK COUPON TODAY!

Honorable Master Leong Wang of China
119 Clarence Cres., Plymouth, PL1.

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See the World

"Travel is why I joined!... and then bloody customs took my Jack Daniels," says Bob Hammonds, 22, Carlisle.

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Letters from Our Readers

This is your public platform. If you have anything to say, here's your chance. For every letter published, we pay 10s. 6d. (available for military service).

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ROLE MODELS The constant stream of pin-ups from your magazine is in poor taste. The two most fascinating women I ever met could have been stand-ins for Laurel and Hardy! Women are more than statistics, thank goodness. That said, there are situations where the last thing you need is a good laugh. — K.M., Hatfield, Herts. MY SON, THE SOLDIER As a soldier, I was saddened when home on leave to attend the funeral of an army friend. His parents were obstinately proud, and his father was heard to say to the open casket: "When are you going back?" — M. Barnstaple, Surrey. REEL FANS As a subscriber of Social Media Hits, I naturally read your reel summaries. That is, I read them naturally. I tried reading them unnaturally: underwater, upside-down, while flatulating the national anthem, but this wouldn't

do. The bath salts stung my eyes. Although not a keen Instant Karma fan, my appetite was whetted by your precis of "Angry Baby Dropped 80ft to Its Death". Many thanks for not letting my wife and I miss an excellent reel. — J.L., London, W3. BRAVO What a delightful thought by the Government, allowing the sale of stamps in brothels. The hubby will have a perfectly legitimate excuse for his weekly excursion. "Just popping out for a stamp, dear!" — S.J., Plymouth.