Prime Cuts of Pork

Nobody Likes Charlie

"Here's to Charlie. It was awfully good of him to stay home."

How to Mooch a Meal

"Sir, I'm sure you would abhor any discussion of money. You're a man of principle and have my utmost respect."

Randolph the Immovable

Randolph often lost himself in deep rumination, such that his brow was fixed in a permanent furrow. Johnny, his nephew, played percussion in a skiffle group, and could improvise a washboard rhythm on his uncle's forehead. It was enough to get everybody in the room reelin' and rockin', except Randolph, whose concentration proceeded, unbroken by the commotion.

Photo Album II

"Ronald, we've had to make cutbacks. From now on, no more dilly dallying — we'll just dilly."

Photo Album I

"Once again foiled by the dry cleaner's 'same day' service, Robin."

Diary of Jane

The end of our romance was presaged one December evening when Edward wrote a letter to Santa. I tried to talk sense into him, but he insisted he'd been a good boy. I couldn't counter that, his behaviour that year had been exemplary. Alas, our love was not meant to be. How to release him without a tantrum?

The Way It Crumbles

[5000 kilograms of marijuana have been discovered in Mr. Crumble's cellar. As the police take him away, he proclaims his innocence to his neighbours:]

Mr. Crumble: "I've been framed! Please, tell my story to the world!"
Neighbour 1: "I will, but first let's talk royalties."
Mr. Crumble [to his wife]: "Bertha, my dear, wait for me!"
Police officer: "That's what they all say. Your missus gets around, doesn't she?"
Neighbour 2: "Bloody hell, Crumble, 5000 kilos? And you never did ask me over, you stingy sod."
Mr. Crumble: "I tell you, it was a plant!"
Police officer: "More than one, I' d say!"

[From the back of the police car, Mr. Crumble sees many officers vacating his house, each carrying a potted marijuana plant, and each looking very happy indeed.]

 

 

The Comedy of Errors (or People Who Say Err A Lot)

[City street. Mr. Strainer is out of breath. He is trailing a step or two behind Frank, having finally caught up with his quarry after a fast-paced, action-packed pursuit punctuated by soundbites of Mr. Strainer’s muculent wheezing and the click of his phone unlocking so he could search ‘best recovery position method’.]

Mr. Strainer [now side-by-side with Frank]: “Okay, Joshua, if that is your real name ⁠— ”
Frank: “My name is Frank.”
Mr. Strainer: “Don’t be coy.”
Frank: “No, not coy ⁠— Frank.”
Mr. Strainer: “Stop beating around the bush.”
Frank: “I’m telling you, my name is ⁠—”
Mr. Strainer: “I just wish you’d be frank.”
Frank: “I am Frank!”
Mr. Strainer: “Alright, have it your way… ‘Frank’.”

[Frank throws up his hands in exasperation. The audience does not know why he’d eaten them.]

Mr. Strainer: “I’ve a bone to pick with you.”
Frank: “I thought you might.”
Mr. Strainer: “Well, aren’t you clever!”
Frank: “Only on my father’s side.”
Mr. Strainer: “You mean by heredity?”
Frank: “No, I mean on his side. If I stand by anybody else I’m a dunce.”
Mr. Strainer: “Good grief, man. I’m beginning to get the measure of you now. You have my sympathy.”
Frank: “Thank you, most generous. And I didn’t get you anything!”

[The pair walks into the sunset. The apple falls down the drain.]

Frank [off screen]: “And what did you want to talk about?”
Mr. Strainer [off screen]: “Oh, just the price of the weather. The hot onions we’ve been having. You know. Isn’t that what it’s all about?”

[Fin. Tail. Gills.]

Halls of Fame

Royal Albert Hall

Mr. A. Hall from Hampshire was the inspiration behind this architectural wonder. After construction, it was discovered his name was in fact Arthur.

Mr. A. Hall (from Hampshire)

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Sydney Opera House

Some say the roof is like sailing boats, but in truth it's like sailing boats.

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Carnegie Hall

Somebody joked about how to get there so they had to build it.

A picture of Carnegie Hall was too expensive to source. Here is an iron kettle instead.

From the Past III

Frankly, Macaulay, I detest your face.

From the Past II

The first transatlantic airship met a grisly end when the balloon's helium supply ran out over the ocean. It was discovered that the passengers had wasted the fuel, unable to resist sampling it to make their voices sound funny. As the balloon descended to its demise, piercingly high-pitched screams were heard from the coast.

 

From the Past I

All the children had jolly good fun at Tom's public suicide.